Lost In My Own Realm.

Well, hello there.

Never did I learn to appreciate things the way they should be appreciated. Never did I spend time adequately on a specific task. Never did I have a fixed heart onto something for a quite length of time. Never did I have a lengthy attention span. Never did I have the courage to do something that is over the border of one's imagination.

This sums up my current well-being as an Architecture student.
Not regretting, just ranting.

I need to try harder for the better days to come.

Back to Square One.

Officially staying in Malaysia, after all. 

 The story started off with me being so vulnerable thinking there is a chance for me to actually fly off to Sheffield. And I did have that chance. I was accepted. Until the point that my sponsor didn't allow me to unless I terminate my current scholarship agreement and apply for a new one which doesn't seem promising.. Ok so that's that. Then there was this other story whereby I was given another course to pursue in UIA which was Urban Regional and Planning, that was really unexpected (refer to my endless rants of Fate II). Plan B, if I wasn't transferred into my wanted course, to Sheffield I shall go. (YES CONFUSING AS HECK) But in the end, I'm back to square one. I've been offered, yet again, but now for my long awaited course, Architecture. Alhamdulillah. That was the only thing I could say for now. 

 I have realised no matter how hard you try, if it's just not yours to begin with, you will stay on the same original spot. But there's a twist to it, if you didn't even try at all, you will never know your chances. Despite the missing opportunities and memories that may be created elsewhere, I'm grateful that I still have 3 years of sleepless nights ahead of me, accompanied by my girls that have forever been by my side ever since foundation year started. I guess I'll be seeing you lot in Gombak this September, inshaAllah.

Fate II.

Unexpected things happen during the most unexpected times. It tends to leave you all baffled up and confused in your own realm. Disappointments after disappointments.. Some things are just out of your reach in order for you to fix it. 

 So yes, the past week has been.. surprisingly sad. Morbid. Depressing. And all of the other synonyms of sad you can think of right now. I have been emotionally distracted by everything around me, everything. From immense hopes and comments given by important individuals, to a level of confident that you just know that you're in reach of something that you've been yearning for, to being miserable on not achieving it in the end. I was on the verge of losing hope and just wanting to blindly accept everything. The ultimate question of all of these unfortunate events that has been bugging me was.. where did I go wrong? What is it that I did that eventually made everything end up the way it is now? I've even questioned myself on my grades and whatnot. And how my grades and the CGPA I've worked extremely hard for was meaningless, as if everything I've done was just a complete waste. I was obviously dwelled in a deep pool of pessimist thoughts for a while. But a pang of realisation woke me up from my own made up nightmare.. maybe, just maybe Allah wants to see how strong I was in confronting and handling these situations. How I can bear with these occurrences and just instill a little bit of patience in enduring a whole lump sum of it during Ramadhan. How I react to these situations.. Do I just linger around moaning and crying day in day out as if a fairy godmother will just emerge out of thin air and redo everything to the way I wanted it to be, or do I make an effort in trying to fix the situation. Or maybe He wants me to place all of my hopes onto Him, instead of placing hopes onto individuals who I think may have the power to make a difference in this situation. Or maybe I haven't been as close to Him as He wanted me to be previously and this situation has brought me closer to Him.. The maybes are endless. I just hope despite of everything that is happening, I'll rise to be a better person in the end. A stronger one. But at the end of the day, I just need to have some faith (maybe a lot really) and place my entire trust on Allah. Only Him.